


Memory lane

by draco_sass



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Dean is Bad at Feelings, F/M, Hurt Castiel, M/M, Other, Regretful Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 13:05:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12705588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draco_sass/pseuds/draco_sass
Summary: Set after season12,Dean  thoughts and regrets after Castiel's death





	Memory lane

How many days and nights have it been? Or is it already another month,another year?Dean seriously can't tell anymore.He felt numb.Sometimes he lost track of days and nights,too lost in memories and also probably because he had remain drunk most of the time now.Alcohol help numb the pain inside him so he had clung to it like a starving man to water in a hot desert.But Sam had told him,it had only been 3 days.Dean had lost himself mostly to memories.Memories of Cas.How he had met the angel,who had thought he had deserved to be saved.Dean remembered how he had actually disliked Castiel the first time they've met,and probably a lot more times after that.

His dislike for Cas had stem from the way how cold his father had always treated him .His father had always treated like a soldier,a demon killing machine,a hunter nothing more. Not a son.To his father,his life was simply to perform God's wills,hunting ,saving people and killing anything evils.He was to do all of this without any questions and without even being given a choice to choose.And Cas had treated him the same way too.Saving him from hell,because God's probably had not want to lose one of his killing machine,and not because he was loved or because he had deserved to be saved.Thats what he had always thought of course. He had dislike Cas more though, because Cas had this power where he would only casted one look at Dean and would successfully see through all of him.All of his bottled up feelings of loses,longings.The pain he felt for not being able to saved his mom,dad,Sam and many others,who died for him or because of him .Cas could even see through all of his insecurities,his dark thoughts about his deserving punishments and death.It does not help that Cas had casually said that he could see through his very soul.And Dean disliked Cas for it.He had always bottled his feelings up, never want people to see through him,because then they would see his weakness too.But Cas has done it and Dean had hate the angel for it.

But Dean dislikes for Cas had later turn out to understandings toward the angel and then to deep feelings of friendship.Cas,Dean had understand,had just been like him in more ways than one.Cas's got it more worse than him probably.He was create to simply 'guard and look after the earth,humans'.Like him,Cas had been given no choice at all to chose his destiny.At least Dean had got Sam and some hunters friends,who had loved and cared about him.But Cas,although he had called the others angels 'brothers ' and God as his Father.But Dean is very sure that,those titles really did not hold any sentiments above.But Gabriel,the trickster who had put him, Cas,Sam through so much troubles,Dean had understood did really care for Cas as a brother.And God too,if what Cas had told them about how God had love each of the angels,even Lucifer,is true.

And then Cas had rebels and defy heaven's orders,killed other angels hunted,and had suffered and even lose his grace for Sam,for him.Dean was not really a man to be move by people's words and sentiments,but he had feel really warm inside and a bit guilty,when Cas had said that he had done all those things for him.Dean might have not known it at that time ,but thinking about that now,he was sure he had loved Cas since then.

Everything Cas's does,make him smiles like that time when Cas had eaten a burger and then had happily declared that he like it.But also just looking at Cas and seeing the angel's innocence and naivity outlooks and understanding toward the world and humans had always make him smiles with affections.Cas also make him lost his shits like when Cas does something stupid and dangerous to save him and Sam.He had act like a worried chic when Cas had gone missing,and a killer when some losers both angels and demon had kidnapped and tortured Cas to lured him and Sam.But Dean had never even once, outwardly expressed these feelings in front of Cas.He had never been good with feelings.For him these feelings are his weakness.So he'll just suck them all up inside,and deal with all of it with anger.Therefore he had shown only anger toward Cas when the angel had work with Crowley,and had suck out the whole 'Leviathan' mojos inside of himself.This time too ,to save him and Sam.But he had not shown all his of worries and desperation when Cas had disappear more than one time.Or when he had seen Cas bloodied and painful eyes just before he had drowned himself in the reservoir. It had taken all of his strength to repressed himself from running after Cas in the water,and the urge to let himself feel the empty feeling of lost,when Cas had then finally disappeared into the water.

But he had more times than once lost his grip on his emotions and had let his feelings make an appearances to the surface,too lost in the moments.He had hugged Cas in purgatory,too lost in happiness and reliefs seeing the angel again and many more moments which are too painful to recounts..Sam had probably know about his feelings for Cas,but had never say or try to questions him about it.But Cas probably still bad at reading humans had probably taken it the wrong ways.Dean did not know whether to be frustrated or thankful about that..

But all of it,did not even matter anymore now.Cas is death,really dead this time..Lucifer who had made him suffer more than anybody else had done it again.First the bastard had possessed and indirectly took Sam as his vessel to hell,breaking Dean apart when Sam had jump into the pit of fire right infront of his eyes.And then seeing Sam suffer after coming back from hell,Lucifer having tortured and breaking his brother's mind while in hell had further broken Dean apart.Lucifer had done it again,this time much worse.The fallen angel had drive an angel blade right through Castiel's heart smirking at him,probably knowing what Cas's death would do to him.And the bastard had been right about it too.Dean had really broken down this time .He had first been shocked,seeing Cas lifeless body unmoving on the ground,insigna of his wings marked to the dirt.Then he had become simply numb.He can't see his surroundings,can't feel his own heart beats and even Sam's loud hurried footsteps who had run toward the dingy house to check on Lucifer's spawn.Then he had fallen to his knees beside Cas unmoving lifeless body, finally feeling his heart broken into tiny pieces.This time probably broken forever.

He had himself carried Cas lifeless body to his car trying very hard not to break in front of Sam.He had once stop along the way,and alone behind some abandoned diner he had pray.He had pray to Chuck,aking him to bring all the people he had lost back.His mom,Cas and even Crowley.But no answered was given and in anger,pain and frustrations he had smashed the diner's wooden sign hanging at the door with his bare hand.He had then went back to the car face impassive,like nothing had happened.But despite his efforts to look unhinged,and the strong front he put up in front of Sam and the world,his brother had understand and had simply remain silent when he had given vague answered to his brother's worried inquiries about his emotional and mental state.He had really snap at Sam for taking the devil's Spawn's side though.His brother had wanted to help save the baby devil.Did not Sam know that Cas had gone through hell and died because of that freak.Dean can't even look at him,so why would he want to help save somebody who was the sole reason for Cas's death.But the freak,Jack just like Cas had slowly work himself into his heart.Dean cannot say he like the kid but he had not want to killed him anymore either.He had still want the kid out though,because Jack had remind him too much of Cas.

Cas,whose lifeless body he had himself carried,covered, bind with some dirty curtains and finally light the body on fire,in a makeshift funeral,that Cas had not really deserved.Cas had deserved more.

 

Those soulful eyes never opening ever again,those hands that had always healed him,saved him,even punched some sense into him had been cold and lifeless.Lips that had spoken encouraging and comforting words,were pale and unmoving now.He had still hope that maybe Chuck had heard his prayers and had bring Cas back alive with a snap of his fingers like so many times before,so had move the cloth from Cas's face,hoping to see Cas breathing again.But his silly hopes had been shatterered like always,and his desperate prayers probably lost to the wind.Cas remain pale and lifeless,and Dean with both pain and anger had bind Cas's body with some dirty curtains he had snatched from the windows near him,trying very hard to ignore the enormous pain,and feelings of emptiness and great lost in his heart and soul which he had failed to do this time.Then they had burn Cas's body along with Jack's mother by the river in the setting sun.He had watch the man he love burned,hope for Cas's return lost forever, because in his job,what had been burned will always remain dead.And with pain and regrets in his heart for not telling and showing his feelings to the man he love when Cas was beside him, still alive,loyal and understanding,sacrificing and encouraging, Dean finally bid Cas 'Goodbye' with a broken heart that he sure know would never healed again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not good at writing so I've made a lyrical story videos about this story and other destiel short videos on my Instagram account @tauriel884.so feel free to check them out from my account or simply by searching for destiel tags stories on Instagram. Important note though:Since IG only allowed 57secs videos,I would have to post my destiel videos in many parts.I've only finished part part1 would post the part 2 later today.Feel free to check them out


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